An Open Letter to American Men

February 27, 2017

An Open Letter to American Men

This article was originally published at The Daily Caller.

Believe me when I say I feel your pain. Ever since I wrote The War on Men, back in 2012, I’ve heard from folks across the country and beyond; and there’s just no question that modern-day couples are locked in a perpetual power struggle. No one seems to know what his or her role is anymore—it’s all so ambiguous. The sexes are supposed to be “equal,” but that’s one of those things that sounds good on the surface but doesn’t square with reality. If it did, men and women would be getting along famously.

I’d like to offer some insight, if I may, as to why there’s so much confusion. Women aren’t trying to make love difficult; they’ve simply been raised to believe they can do anything a man can do. To be sure, this has helped them get ahead in the marketplace. But it offers nothing about how to love and get along with a man. On that score, women are shooting blanks; and you’ve been caught in the crosshairs.

I can’t count the number of men I’ve heard from who want to know what women want. They say women ask them to be sensitive and kind or even “enlightened” on the home front, but when they comply, women seem bothered by it or are still unhappy. Here’s just one example from a man named Tom:

I love my wife very much but in doing so I’ve become perhaps her servant (housework, childcare, sex) and less her man. I’ve always wondered that perhaps being a loving and stronger man would be better for her. Reaching to what you are perhaps suggesting is deep down her desire for a real man.

My problem has been that she is an alpha, and I love her even though I’m tired of the power struggle. I don’t want to go about this like I’m breaking in a horse. I don’t want to win every time. I want a partner.

But I feel like my actions of love are perhaps enabling. Then I feel like husbands I know who aren’t serving so much or some that are real ‘dicks’ have their wives clinging to them, and it sounds like the sex is good. Because although they might err on the side of being a jerk, if their firmness is demanding, respect seems to drive their woman closer.

I just wonder if she’d be happier if I lovingly put my foot down. I know how to do that with my kids, and I know they’re better for it. I wonder if that’s what I need to do for my wife, but then it seems like I’m treating her like a child. I just don’t know!

Tom is not alone. That’s the precise dynamic being played out in countless marriages and relationships today. Women say they want their relationships to be equal, but they don’t. Not really.

Click here to read the rest of the article.

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5 Comments
  • Every man I know that got married then got divorced and is paying alimony. None of these men were wife beating monsters. Heck most were better men than me. Their wives just woke up unhappy one day.

    I don’t know what happened.

    I’ll pass. Marriage is just too risky these days.

    March 6, 2017 at 6:31 am
    • Oksana
      Reply

      My husband says that he thanks God every day that he found me, and we have sex every night. So, there are still good people out there, if you’re willing. Good luck!

      March 20, 2017 at 10:16 am
  • Toviah Crowell
    Reply

    Sazanne I hope you read this, I have just wonderfully stumbled upon your books and “you are totally right on all of this. ” I have been in a marriage for 30 years and I have raised 3 children. I am also a nurse and have come in and out of the workforce during this marriage. Because of my profession I have observed thousands of these male female interaction at work. They are as you speak of a WAR. The women have become men 2nd to this feminist movement and the poor men ( who are REALLY NICE like this GUY TOM have no choice other than to become the feminine side of the relationship to make it work. Expect it doesn’t work. Because men even thought they can try hard; are not women and Vise versa.
    IN the past 20 years anyway I have seen this more and more and more of this role reversal. Susanne I believe in EQUAL rights for women ; They should be paid the same be treated with the same laws and I think there should be social rule where they are even treated with a respect and curiosity that they deserve. ( Like you mention with you husband Halling the cab for you) . You are so right when men are looking fora mate they don’t care that the women has 3 PHD’s. A working man making enough is looking for a women to be “A WOMEN” to take care of him, the kids and all of the extremely complicated life of running a home and family. The Feminist by the way flushed the values of that part of being a women down the toilet and they made more stress and more work for a women because now she must work and do the her home job as well.
    I have seen a lot of these high powered women have affairs because the man at home becomes to soft . He changes for her and then she has an affair with a man who is Stronger than HER!! Saying she needed the strength. I know of at least 5 of these marriages that ended in horrible divorces. Any how Susanne I have so much more to say. I was going to write a book like this myself I’m SOOOO glad you beat me too IT. If you need any help from me let me know I’ve observed A LOT!!!

    February 28, 2017 at 7:13 am
      • Russell Leboff
        Reply

        My wife and I have been married for 28 years – 28 very happy years. She is my soulmate, not because she and I were destined to be but because we met, got to know each other and knew we could put up with the other’s quirks and perks for 50 years plus. And we have. It is give and take and never even, but close enough through the ebb and flow of decisions, house/yard work, kids, etc. Our ritual that works – I make it a point to be in the shower with her every time I’m home so I can hear about her day. I can’t escape or get interruptions from kids or work while there. I’m hers and she’s mine for 30 minutes- it’s therapeutic. It’s our “thing”.

        We are equal on financial, faith and family decisions. So to that point, we made a decision long ago that a parent would be at home with our kids if able. We don’t judge those who can’t. It has paid dividends, and I too worked a stint as the stay at home parent. So when I hear your comment that stay at home moms should be illegal I call BS on that. Yes, let’s call it what it is.

        If more US families had a parent or parents in the household for their kids, we’d have a better country. The breakdown of the American family is the result of no parent(s) at home and is what has changed our country for the worse. So, in my opinion it should be illegal to NOT be a stay at home Mom or Dad. I wish it could be law that a parent had to be with their children. It’s all about respect: and your lack of respect for the parent who chooses to be a full time parent vs a full time employee is disappointing.

        March 24, 2017 at 6:31 pm

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