What Asian (and Other Foreign-Born) Women Know that American Women Do Not
American women are often placed (metaphorically, of course) into one of two boxes: a feminist box, which purportedly denotes strength and empowerment and a ‘take no prisoners’ attitude, or a traditional box, which purportedly means being June Cleaver.
Both descriptions are hopelessly flawed, but that’s not what this post is about.
It’s about the third box.
The third box marries two seemingly contradictory qualities: strength and femininity. These traits can, and do, work in tandem—and they’re a potent combination. Asian (and other foreign-born) women fit snugly into this box.
Asian (and other foreign-born) women are just as “empowered” as American women. They are educated, professional women. What makes them different is they’ve retained their feminine nature. They may be a force to be reckoned with in the world outside their doorstep. But as wives and girlfriends, they’re soft and receptive. They’re respectful. And hold on to your hats: they like men.
Consider the following comment that was written in response to my recent article, “Most men just want a woman who’s nice”:
“Asian woman just want a good man, are low maintenance, warm, not loud, whiny and complaining, and blow away the American woman. My girl is Asian and what a pleasure she is—so unlike the bossy women here. Go for it, guys!”
“Too many American women have forgotten how to nurture. European and Asian women understand the role of nurturers. American women would rather compete and cooperate with their husbands. Just go out to a restaurant and listen to how American women talk to their husbands, particularly in the northern states. American women have been indoctrinated by feminists to believe they can do no wrong.”
For the past five years I’ve been embroiled in America’s gender war, one that pits the sexes against one another in an endless game of one-upmanship. The implication is that for a woman to be a man’s equal, she must be his competitor and prove to him she doesn’t need really need him at all.
Women in the third box don’t operate that way, and their relationships are stronger for it. These women understand male and female nature and, indeed, embrace it. It works for them, not against them.
But there is a catch to being in the third box. It requires that women be vulnerable with men, that they are able to trust them—and that’s a tall order for women who’ve been raised in a culture of divorce and who’ve been specifically taught to “never depend on a man.”
As an example, in her book Going Places, former Fox News anchor E.D. Hill talks of being raised by a mother who taught her to learn to do everything herself—even the typically male tasks. “Be able to stand on your own,” her mother told her.
But there’s a downside to this attitude and approach to love. “I couldn’t stop myself from proving that I didn’t need [my husband] to do things for me. Needless to say, this “power struggle,” along with other issues, put a big strain on our relationship, and he is now my ex.”
By conflating femininity, or being soft and receptive, with weakness, you create a self-fulfilling prophecy. There’s simply no way to have love in your life if you’re unable to let down your guard.
Love can’t get through a brick wall.
Change is possible for those who are willing to look honestly at themselves. A great place to start is to watch how Asian (and other foreign-born) women act when they’re with their man.
And then do what they do.